My life seems to have always been sailing in the Sea of Uneveness. Prior to August 2016 I was extremely happy with the direction my professional life and social life was going. My years in schooling were finally paying off and I was getting to look for and apply to exciting job prospects that where in my field of interest. I had friends who I would go out with for coffee or lunch and just catch up every few weeks. It was amazing, except for my love life, at the time, it was how do I put it… satisfactory but I often found myself thinking. “Is this it? Is this what a relationship should truly amount too?”  I definitely cared for my b/f (at the time) and I did love him to a point but it had morphed into a resigned type of love. The love was there because of all the things we had been through together, which was a lot in six years… but still that thought “Is this really it?” echoed throughout my mind those six years.

It’s now after August 2016 and I ended it with the man I was with for six years. Packed up my things and moved to Massachusetts to be with a man I had known in an online game  for many years (practically a decade) but never really interacted with until the Summer of 2016. Literally, less then two months later I broke off a six year relationship and packed up what I could and left the state of my birth to live in Massachusetts. Now, I find myself in a relationship that feels real to me.  The only thing is my professional and social life are nonexistant.

It seems that I can’t strike the right fuck’n balance in all three of those aspects. It’s downright maddening. I am trying to figure something out for myself professionally and socially… it’s just taking a really long time for it all to pan out. 

Will this Sea of Uneveness I’ve been sailing through for most of my adult life finally change into something more? I don’t know. Time will tell really.

Thanks for reading.


3 thoughts on “Uneven

    1. Thank you. I have my days when I can truly appreciate it and then there are those days when the appreciation turns into self-questioning.

      Ironically, I had to give up the essence what made me pridefully independent, in order to connect with someone on a deep emotional level. That isn’t easy when that someone has combat PTSD; cause intimacy/trust is one of those things he struggles with on daily basis. Luckily, I’m aware of this and honestly I’m still learning about the scars a veteran carries when they have combat PTSD. So my expectations of what our relationship is going to be like isn’t all “head in the clouds-dreamy.”

      I never allowed myself to be this open in a relationship with another person ever. I wanted to be but I couldn’t.

      Again, it’s ironic that I only became this open after giving up so much.


      1. Things really must be tough for you, and look, how easily I said appreciate everything that’s been tough & troubling. Sorry for that! 😦
        I just hope all these experiences lead you to unravel some unexpected enlightening truths, and thus to a state of inner peace! 🙂


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